this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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