someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize