I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize