It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
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I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
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Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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