If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
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also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize