i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
