My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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