Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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