My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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