I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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