her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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