Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize