why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize