Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
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I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize