My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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