I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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