Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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