ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
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We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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