But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
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its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
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I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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