Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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