I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
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you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
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Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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