she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize