John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
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Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think my moral compass just broke
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