mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize