Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
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Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
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A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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