You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
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He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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