I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
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If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I love you.
Bad choice
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