My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i think i have two assholes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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