Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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