These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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