Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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