i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
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Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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