I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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