I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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