I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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