I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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