If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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