after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
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Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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