Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
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Can vaginas get frostbite?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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