...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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