mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
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i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize