Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
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You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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