my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize