Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
