Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
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I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize