Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
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I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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