My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize