I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize