I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
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I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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