Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
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I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
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It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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